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1. Bummer Tornado Destroys Cool Jail

2. Freaky Lobsters Form Fashion Fad

3. Unimpressive Colleges Join Cheating Scandal

4. You Missed My Soccer Games, Dad

5. Climbing Gym Opens on Disappointing Riverwalk

6. Disgruntled Sewer Men Demand to Meet Ninja Turtles

7. On-Set Hijinks: George Clooney Refuses to Leave Trailer

8. Man Turns Home into Home Depot

9. "Jazzy Taint" Sweeps the Nation

10. Webster's Adds New Word for Friend-Zoning Dermatologist

11. Weatherman Confuses El Niño with La Llorona

12. Super Long Diner Menu Sets New, Stupid Record

13. We're Here, We're Queer, We're Deer

14. One in Four Americans Attracted to Their Sexy Cars

15. True Facts about Grant Anthony O'Brien

16. Inspector Gadget's Death Sparks Oscar Buzz

17. Song of the Summer Offers Hard Spankings for the Boys

18. Spaghetti Shack Shakes Up Galleria

19. Dinosaurs Were Technically Birds

20. Which of Your Friends Has Their Amber Alerts Turned Off?

21. Big Brother’s Little Sister Cannot Be Turned Off

22. Moose Running Loose through the Mall of America

23. Delicious Kitchen Fire Caramelizes Dozens of People